• J.R. Reed

I Don't Want Them to Keep Shoving Pills Down My Throat


Last week I saw my psychiatrist and my primary care doctor, It was my normal bi monthly visit for the psychiatrist, and like every appointment we’ve had since the beginning of COVID-19, the appointment lasted all of four minutes on the telephone.

I told him that my depression was worsening and that I felt like it was starting to drift towards clinical depression, so he added another medicine to try and ease the symptoms. That took me up to eight different prescriptions I was taking per day. That’s way too many in my book.

Then I went and saw my primary care two days later and she wasn’t thrilled with my last few blood pressure readings so she added a beta blocker in an attempt to get my blood pressure down and to try and help my anxiety. That’s nine altogether.

I’m not big on taking pills, but with autism, ADHD, social anxiety, severe depression, high blood pressure and seizures, there is good reason to take them. But nine? I know they keep adding things because my symptoms aren’t getting any better, but I’m starting to feel like a freakin’ hypochondriac over here. It’s so bad that when I roll into my local pharmacy, they know me by name because I’m there so often.

I still have my moments where I go into a deep depression or have a panic attack, though not as often as before I added these last two. I know they’re working but putting nine pills in my mouth in the morning and four more in the afternoon has me feeling like I’m really sick, when I know I’m not that bad.

Is there a way to get the results I need without swallowing half the pharmacy every morning? I do therapy once or twice a week and that helps, but it’s not enough to get rid of any of my medications. I’ve tried journaling, and though I can sit and write for hours, when it comes time to write my personal thoughts and feelings, I can stare at a blank page for up to an hour without writing a thing. Crazy, huh?

Mindfulness? Same thing. I guess the bottom line is that I’m a stubborn old fool who can’t find his way out of this rut I’ve gotten myself into. I know there’s a way because I’ve seen others do it, but when I ask my friends who have overcome these problems, I get the standard answers such as, “You have to want it,” and You have to try.”

What do you think I’ve been doing?

So now I’m stuck in the middle of a dilemma. Do I stop taking the pills, knowing I’m going to feel more depressed, more anxious, and basically become a hot mess without the hot. Or do I continue to take the pills that are keeping me somewhat sane? Depending on your position on medication for mental illness, it can be a tough call and one that we each have to make for ourselves.

There’s no one answer for everyone and everyone won’t agree on this subject. They never have any they likely never will.

What do you do? Do you try to suck it up and go without the pills and hope for the best, or do you take the pills, knowing they will probably make you feel better, but still hope for the best? Share your answers in the comments below and let us know what you think.

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