Closer To Fine
Inspired by the song Closer To Fine, by Indigo Girls.
I’m tryin’ to tell you somethin’ ’bout my life Maybe give me insight between black and white And the best thing you’ve ever done for me Is to help me take my life less seriously It’s only life after all, yeah
I’m way too hard on myself and that comes from the perfectionism that tags along with my autism. I’ve had moments of fun, but I can’t remember the last time I was happy for a prolonged period of time.
Things are getting better. I think. I repeatedly told my psychiatrist that I was still dealing with serious depression even though I was taking what he prescribed. His response was to tell me that I looked fine to him (even though he saw me for five minutes every other month).
Finally, I said, “Screw this,” and changed psychiatrists. The new one added one thing to what I was taking and it was like a light turned on. It’s still a work in process, but life seems brighter than it has for a very, very long time.
For more than a decade I couldn’t even see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Now I think I can see trees and nature outside the tunnel. It’s not all quite in
focus, but it’s getting clearer with each day.
Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear I wrap my fear around me like a blanket I sailed my ship of safety ’til I sank it I’m crawling on your shores
That darkness is what I think kept me so uber depressed for so long. I wasn’t just in a funk. I was all the way funky. Though not funky fresh, yo.
I kept inching along, hoping that one day I would see the slightest glimmer of light that would turn the blackness into grey. I wasn’t naive enough to think that I could flip a switch and thing would go from black to white immediately. I was cool with it getting grey before it got back to white.
I still deal with fear, though not as much as I used to. Where I used to wrap myself up tightly in it, now I just have it nearby to throw over me. I’m hoping to one day soon get rid of it completely, but as funny as it sounds I think I’m afraid to get rid of my fear because it’s so familiar.
How stupid is that?
I’m not telling you this story to suggest that medication will fix everything because that’s absolutely not the case.
I also see a psychologist and in my case, the medication I’m taking is working for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. If I could get by without the pills I absolutely would, but I like life a lot more when I’m medicated. And people seem to like me a lot more when I’m regulated.
I’m telling you this story to give you hope. If you’re reading this and you feel like things won’t ever get better, they will. I didn’t believe it for more than ten years, but here I am in March of 2019 feeling better than I can remember. I still have a ways to go, but I’ll take where I’m at.
The bottom line? Don’t wrap yourself in a blanket of fear. Don’t let a doctor (or anyone) convince you that you’re fine when you know you’re not and always advocate for yourself.
If you’re reading this and you have a friend, family member, loved one or significant other who is battling depression and anxiety, show this to them and remind them that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
When they see that light is completely up to them.